EXCERPTS FROM COTTON BUTTERFLIES
~ return to The Book

…Darlene grew up in a small, Southern town at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains.  The cotton mill was where most of the town folks worked, including her family.  Life in the foothills revolved around cotton and the people who spun it.  Most everyone born and raised on a mill hill talked a lot about going places, but only every now and then would someone really leave.  If you lived on a mill hill long enough, the hill became more than an address; it was a way of life. 

…She feared the switch–one she had to go outside and pick herself when she was “bad”, regardless of the weather, day or night.  Darlene would bring it in to her daddy at the kitchen table and then be forced to watch as he plucked the leaves from the switch one by one, snapping it through the air a few times to check its ability to, as he said, “teach a lesson”.  

 With Earl gone, the child who remained dutifully silent on the bathroom floor could no longer contain her nausea.  Darlene vomited into the commode while a tearful Betty Ann pulled her little girl’s hair back from her face and held her brow.  She helped her put on her night clothes so as not to rub against the switch marks on her legs and buttocks, then gently tucked her into bed, humming a curious mixture of lullabies and old hymns.  Darlene clutched her mother’s hand as she traced the switch marks that Betty Ann had once again taken for her.  When she felt safe, she let go…and slept.” 

…It was hard enough for her to adjust to the sudden loss of her mother, followed by the woman who, after years of opening her back door to Earl late at night, lawfully and proudly stepped into Betty Ann’s shoes.  But when baby Anita arrived a year later, Darlene was now the outsider, the “leftover” from a past life that haunted Nell every time she looked into the deep blue eyes of Betty Ann’s little girl.  Gone were the gifts of bright ribbons and lace that once adorned Darlene during her father’s brief courtship.  School clothes became hand-me-downs from Betty Ann’s side of the family.  The only thing the new Mrs. Morgan seemed interested in anymore was giving her stepchild chores.”

…Blowing smoke rings from a newly lit Chesterfield stolen from Nell’s purse, she wondered what kind of God would take away someone as beautiful and kind as her mother.  She was even more puzzled as to why Betty Ann, whom Darlene often saw reading from the same Bible and kneeling by her bed to pray, would want to believe in such a God.  As Earl preached down at the mission, as Nell and Anita sat dutifully in the front pew, Darlene allowed herself to cry in that very alone, but safe place of memories, desperately missing the one person that was the all-too-brief anchor to her world

 …Sam could not have picked a better time to roll into town.  Darlene thought he was the closest thing to James Dean she’d ever seen in person.  He started hanging around the diner where she washed dishes after school, and it wasn’t long before they started swapping dreams, kisses, and big ideas of leaving their “dead end” little towns.  Sam came from a mill town in the lower part of the state near Bryson Gap.  His dad (like his dad before him) worked cotton.  Sam swore he wasn’t going to get dust in his lungs and die without seeing what was on the other side of the hill.

 …New York City was very intimidating for a Southern girl like Darlene.  Everything was different—the pace, the people.  Sam did get the job with his cousin’s friend, but Darlene’s dreams soon turned into nightmares.  The hushed conversations, calls for “errands” all hours of the day and night, and the increasing stress on Sam told Darlene that he had gotten into something over his head.  She feared for their safety.”

…That night Sam tried to assure her that working for Miss Peg was just temporary (until he could move up in the company), and it really wouldn’t change anything between the two of them.  He said they needed her cooperation.  His persistence began to take on guilt-laden tones:  “If you really love me, you’ll do it”.  Darlene had given herself to Sam in what she thought had been proof of her love.  In return, a man she hardly recognized anymore wanted to offer her body to strangers for easy cash on the streets of New York.

…Before going to bed, Sam made it clear that his boss was not going to put up with her taking a cheap ride.  She was expected to work like the others girls brought into the organization.  He then matter-of-factly went on to bed, but Darlene sat at their little kitchen table all night and heard the sounds of a city that never sleeps.  She also listened to her heart.  By five o’clock she had made her decision.”

…Darlene was feeling tired.  She thought that perhaps after all she’d been through, it was wise to stay put and keep things simple for a while.  She convinced Earl to let her rent out the basement.  Nell immediately liked the idea of extra money coming into the house, but only if Darlene was excluded from coming upstairs.  Earl set her up on a payment plan and some rules.  With money for the first month’s rent in hand, Earl made it clear: from that point on, their relationship was strictly one of boarder and landlord.  She had to laugh out loud when the door key turned in the lock at the top of the stairs.  “So what’s new, old man...” she yelled, “what’s new, huh?”  The sixteen-year old could sound tough, but as the autumn nights grew longer, so did Darlene’s fears.  She knew she was in trouble.

…She picked up the receiver, unfolded a crumpled, yellow paper, and carefully gave the operator the telephone number for Sam’s cousin in New York.  She was surprised when Sam answered and relieved when he accepted the call.  Secretly, Darlene had rehearsed this conversation over and over again in her mind, but the words weren’t coming that easily. She had imagined that as soon as he heard, Sam would surely be willing to come home to marry her, to start over clean.  Instead, an angry man was on the other end of the line, yelling and cursing.

…“You and me…that was a *#! mistake!  You’re the one who left, babe.  It’s your problem now…deal with it!”  Sam hung up.  Seconds later, the line was cut between New York City, the little mill hill, and Darlene’s heart.

…Walking home in the dampness of a passing shower, she suddenly felt a forceful “kick” in her stomach.  She instinctively grabbed herself, but the feeling left as quickly as it came.  She immediately returned to her shadowy thoughts of suicide, convinced that a handful of Miss Nell's nerve pills from the medicine cabinet could put her to sleep…gently, painlessly–and forever.  She slowly rounded the corner of the school playground when it happened again–another jolt; then, a sort of “flutter”.  Darlene lightly touched her stomach.  Suddenly, she was flooded with an intense, surprising awareness…a split second understanding so strong that it arrested her steps.

. “A baby,” she whispered, protectively pulling her jacket across her abdomen. “I have a baby…”

 …Darlene told no one about the pregnancy, not even Doc Wilson who treated most of the mill workers and their families.  It’s not that she didn’t want to…eventually.  But she had trouble wondering whom she could trust and what would happen to her and the baby.  She didn’t think she could bear having another part of her life ripped away.  The more she thought about supporting a baby all by herself, the more overwhelmed she felt.  Tall for her age and well proportioned, Darlene hid her growing secret underneath the oversized jeans, T-shirts, and light jacket that became her daily uniform.  She hoped that before spring she could “figure out” what to do.  She ran out of time on April 14, 1955.

…Darlene didn’t mean for it to happen this way.  The last thing she wanted was to involve Earl and Nell, but the pains in her body were frightening.  She even wondered if the baby was normal after all these months.  She scrunched down in between the covers of an old blanket in the back seat, covering her head, just like the little girl who feared the switch.  Darlene resigned that the familiar, as ugly as it was, seemed better than putting herself into the hands of total strangers.  She tried to drown out Earl and Nell’s remarks by putting her hands over her ears.  What she could hear, however, she agreed with—at sixteen, her life was already one “hell of a mess”.      

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered to the little life inside of her. “I’m so sorry it’s ending this way.”

HOME   •   CONTACT ME   •   THE BOOK   •   THE AUTHOR   •   ORDER